As some of you may know (though, everyone should know this, but some folks live under rocks and shit), we have few words in our vocabulary that bring the utmost discomfort to the human mind. Words that make us feel more icky than any 15-year-old girl who was caught in R. Kelly's path after drinking 10 mojitos in a row. Words that, when spoken out loud or expressed via written word, can make any person who feels the almighty touch of Jebus in their lives cringe in fear of being struck down by the giblets of body parts after the person in front of them spoke the Curse of Curses. And these words are known for their first letters--most of the time. Why is that? Because we're too scared to say it out loud. If someone says "goddamned" in the form of an adjective, they shorten it to GD. Listen, fucker, shortening it down doesn't take away the meaning. God still hates you for saying that. Euphanisms are beautiful in the eye of their beholder. But in reality, they make you look like a bitch. A bitch who wants the image of using proper social etiquette and as one who has good manners. You're not fooling anyone, Father Patrick Fitzpatrick. We know. Oh, we know.

Other words have the same effect, but my most favorite word of all is the F word. The F word is a powerful word. A magical word, indeed. You can't use the term "F word" as a substitute for just any word in the English dictionary under the letter F. And people know that. So when Little Jimmy comes running the house, tattling on his older brother like a little bitch because he heard his older brother say the F word to a group of guys out front, using their hands to hold up their pants that CLEARLY have belts but never fasten them tight enough, Mama knows what word he's talking about. So corporal punishment is in order and she activates the V-chip on her TV because she's afraid her eldest son has been watching too much smut which corrupted his mind. Little Jimmy gets punched in the back of the head and his favorite action figure tossed out the window for tattling, and the F-word legacy continues onward to the next family.

If you haven't realized it by now, I'm talking about the word FUCK. My favorite word that mankind has invented for the sake of enhancing our sentences and getting our fucking point across. A word that many folks have feared, not because they're unsure of it, but because they know it exists. To them, it is the curse of curses. The bane of our human intelligence. We can't think of a better word, be it a noun or adjective or adverb or what-the-fuck-ever. So we replace it with the word "fuck" and all hell breaks loose. We start signing bills and passing laws and adding content ratings to our favorite forms of entertainment because people are SO goddamn offended by this fucking word. And best of all, it's the only word we can substitute with "F word".

It's like "the pill." The minute I mention the pill, you already know what I'm talking about. Not Tylenol. Not Prozac. Not oxycontin, Advil, Excedrin, ecstasy, calcium supplements, energy pills, or anything of the like. I'm talking about birth control. So in the same scenario, the minute anyone uses the term "F word" in place of "fuck" then heads start turning and the user is applauded for showing good manners in public. Fuckers.

So here's where my argument starts. What gives you the right to dictate what we can and cannot say? Where was it placed that the word "fuck" was a direct pass to Hell and that any and all who use it shall burn in the fiery pits of Mordor because it scares a few people? Who decided that it was a curse to begin with? At what point in time did someone grab a squire and say, "I have decided that certain words shall be considered so bad that in hundreds of years time, a censorship agency will want it banned for all media outlets. Write these down - F-word, C-word, D-Word, P-word, and let's not forget the other F-word."

By the way, "other F word" is fag. Do try and keep up.

The word fuck has been used in a variety of ways. We use it as a verb when we have very dominant sex with someone. That's why there's a difference between "sex" and "fucking". When you have sex, you are two individuals (or multiple, if you're a freak like that) who fornicate and perform a magical sweaty embrace, knowing that it's not love but it's more peaceful. Fucking just brings out the beast in everyone and we dominate each other until first blood. That's why you never see animals having sex in the wilderness. You don't see candles and an overpriced stereo system playing Barry White surrounding a couple of monkeys, do you? When have you seen a lioness try to give a striptease for her mane? (Get it? Cuz.. ya know... the mane of a male lion... yeah) If you have answered anything other than "Never" then get the fuck out, because you live in a sick world where that obviously doesn't happen. They don't. That lioness was getting fucked like there's no tomorrow. Remember that kids - lions don't just mate; they fuck.

Then we use the word as a noun to describe someone if we have no other way of describing them, or if the word "douchebag" was overused. Like, if I said Papa Kardashian was a stupid fuck who shoulda pulled out when he had the chance to, we would be using the word properly. There is no other word to describe Papa Kardashian. He's a dumb fuck. Any political pundits on TV or radio are all dumb fucks. Their dumbfuckery is what leads to fear, which then leads to high gas prices, which leads me to screaming the word "fuck" every time I have to fill up my fucking gas tank. Or their dumbfuckery leads others to wondering, "How qualified is this guy to even be a journalist?" And then you start questioning life, death, and everything in between. It can also be used in comparison to looks. "Man, that bitch was fine/ugly as fuck!"

So what makes it a noun? A noun is a person, place, thing, or idea.

Person: "He's a miserable little fuck."
Place: "This place is hot as fuck! God DAMN it's hot!"
Thing: ....actually, I have nothing for this one.
Idea: See "Thing"

Perhaps it could only be used as a person or place. But maybe that "idea" part comes into play when we ask "What the fuck are you talking about?" to the jackass writing this article. We usually use a place in that sentence: "What on earth are you talking about?" Or "What in the hell are you talking about?" Could the stolen image above be considered an "idea"? It is a possibility, and a strong one at that, but I'm gonna have to say the jury is still out on that one. If you wanna get technical, that is. In which case, if you do, you can go fuck yourself. Ass.

But my most favorite form of the word is obviously the adjective form. This isn't just an article. It's a fucking awesome article. About what? The fucking F word. People hate me because I express my disregard for their stupid fucking feelings by using the F word on a constant basis. It has become a part of my vocabulary, like "Do you want this toasted?" would be to a fucking Subway employee. I don't consider it a curse. I don't necessarily believe in God, but if I did, I can't see why me using certain words would damn me for all eternity just because it offends those overly religious fucks who spread the gospel like a fucking plague. Yes, we fucking hear you. STFU.

You also have the C word, but it's a little more vague to some people, so it requires some explaining. Lucky for me, I'm the guy to do that. The C word is typically the substitute for the word "cunt". Cunt is another magical word. I admit that I don't use it often, but when I do, I use it fiercely and I use it loudly. I have called a female or two a cunt in my day and not felt bad about it? Why? Cuz she was being a stupid fucking cunt and the bitch had it coming. I'm talking about those loathesome bitches who feel that they have to tear anything and everyone down to make themselves feel better about their shitty fucking lives. That's why there are people like me, who have no remorse for calling people out on their bullshit. Guys can be cunts too. But we typically rephrase it and substitute with the term "douchebag" because as a guy, it's the same exact cunt-like behavior. But when it comes down to it, it's just another word for "vagina" and is considered almost, if not equally as offensive as "fuck".

Again, I don't use the C word often. Not because of the crudeness. I mean, look at me. The reason I don't

Oh, Russell. You have NO idea how right you are...

use it is because it just sounds weird. Like a word that makes no sense. Though it has meaning, I can't grasp the idea of it becoming a part of my English. I may use it in parody situations like "Cunt Dracula" or "I'm cunting on it." By the way, that latter sounds really odd and strange, doesn't it? It's the kind of word that leaves a taste in my mouth like Play-Doh or glue. (Hey, I was a kid once too, ya know...) Yet at the same time, it's like a horrible accident. I know I shouldn't stare, that I should just look away and leave it to the pros. But I can't help but linger. I wanna know what happens next, and I wanna know how it happened in the first place. How did "cunt" happen? Who wasn't paying attention enough to allow this trainwreck of a word to suddenly emerge into our English language? When I hear that word, I feel like that 15-year-old girl who was stuck in R. Kelly's piss-path. It just sounds gross. Not offensive--just gross. This word may be offensive to many others, but to me, it's no "fuck." It's usage is severely limited in comparison. I guess that's why we leave it to the British. They have a better use for it than we do, it seems.

Bottom line is, we have an epidemic on our hands. Not enough people are using the word fuck. Some who do only do it because it makes them feel naughty and rebellious against authority. Others are aware that it can make a sentence better if used properly. But what it all boils down to is that if you are afraid of using the word "fuck" in anything other than quoting what someone said (and not replacing it with "F word" or "f*@!" or whatever), you have not truly lived. Express yourselves, Planet Earth. The F word is slowly taking over our English language; don't fear it, embrace it. If you have a child who plays video games, obviously they have learned of Fuck's power and use it before, during, and after every match. So for fuck's sake, let them have their moment! We're in a new age now. God may be your shining light, but it's a good "fuck" that'll get you through the day. (See? It's so magical!)

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